DOMA in the Internet Age by Lona Dallessandro

As I was listening today to the oral arguments made at the Supreme Court regarding DOMA (U.S. v Windsor, No. 12-307), an interaction between Chief Justice Roberts and Roberta Kaplan, the attorney representing Ms. Windsor, struck me. It was not just that it was a bristly and confrontational interaction, but also because it made me think about the timeline for DOMA (it was signed into law in 1996) and the issue of marriage equality and its relationship to the other big thing that follows the same timeline – namely the dawning of the Internet age.

I have included the excerpt from the unofficial transcript below for your review, but to summarize, Justice Roberts was asserting that gay people do not need any special protection against discrimination because, as he put it, “political figures are falling over themselves to endorse your side of the case”. It is as if the Chief Justice is trying to make sense of what might be causing the “sea change” of opinions that is sweeping the nation and the only conclusion he seems willing or able to draw is that the “gay lobby” or “homosexual agenda” has a hold on the political process in this country.

I think he is forgetting that since DOMA, another major change occurred in the US (and the world) – we all became connected through the commercialization of the Internet, the introduction of World Wide Web, and the advent of mobile phones. Just like in the 1950s and 60s, when access to television grew to over 90% of households in this country, the last 15 years have been hallmarked by dramatic growth in the data communications sector. According to the US Census, in 1997, only 18% of households had access to the Internet. By 2010, that number had grown to over 80%. That is WAY more people being able to communicate with each other, to learn about each other, and to find ways to understand each other.

It means that closeted teenagers can find people online from other parts of the country who are like them and can realize that they are not alone. It means that when gay people hear about something that is discriminatory in one state, they can communicate the offense immediately to their networks around the country. And it means that gay people can have conversations with straight people via Twitter, Facebook, blogs like this one – and find common ground on issues of child rearing, and relationships, and finances. I personally think that it is much more likely that the REAL reason that we are seeing such unprecedented support for gay rights in this country is that we actually know more about what it means to be gay in this country and as such we are more likely to want equal treatment for gay people because we see them as part of this community of humans.

In 1965, Alabama state troopers and local deputies savagely beat black activists as they marched peacefully from Selma to Montgomery to demand voter registration rights for black people. Television cameramen captured the incident on film, and it was that footage from “Bloody Sunday” that propelled action like the Voting Rights Act, which was signed into law later that year. (You can read more about the Civil Rights movement and TV here: http://tinyurl.com/cesgft5). Imagine what might have happened on Rosa Parks’ bus in 1955 if there were dozens of Vine videos and Instagrams going viral on the Internet – would civil rights have moved more quickly in this country? Would we still have had racial segregation of schools well into the early 70’s?

I think Justice Roberts does a disservice to the people of the US when he dismisses the change of hearts on the issue of marriage equality for gay couples as merely the result of political lobbying or vote buying (my words, not his). I think he (and the rest of the Court) would do better to look at the issue in the context of what else is occurring in our society. In a national opinion survey published in the April, 1996, issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Dr. Gregory Herek, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis concluded that “Heterosexuals with a gay friend or relative have significantly more favorable attitudes toward lesbians and gay men as a group”. It also states that negative attitudes about homosexuality are strongest among heterosexuals who say that they do not know anyone who is lesbian or gay, which at the time of the study was 67% of the US adult population. In a 2010 CBS Poll, however, that number had shifted dramatically – 77% of Americans surveyed admitted they actually know a gay person.

If knowing a gay person increases tolerance and acceptance of gay people, then the fact that 77% of Americans now say that they know a gay person could easily explain the “sea change” in attitudes. I think we can, at least in part, credit access to the Internet (and therefore access to more people) for the fact that the number shifted so impressively from 1996 to the present, and not just the action of a few, well-connected lobbyists. It is one example of how technology serves people well, and it makes me proud to have been a part of the communications industry throughout those years of growth and change.

Excerpt from the Oral Arguments’ unofficial transcript:

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CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: You don't doubt that the lobby supporting the enactment of same sex-marriage laws in different States is politically powerful, do you?

MS. KAPLAN: With respect to that category, that categorization of the term for purposes of

heightened scrutiny, I would, Your Honor. I don't -

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Really?

MS. KAPLAN: Yes.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: As far as I can tell, political figures are falling over themselves to endorse your side of the case.

MS. KAPLAN: The fact of the matter is, Mr. Chief Justice, is that no other group in recent history has been subjected to popular referenda to take away rights that have already been given or exclude those rights, the way gay people have. And only two of those referenda have ever lost. One was in Arizona; it then passed a couple years later. One was in Minnesota where they already have a statute on the books that prohibits marriages between gay people.

So I don't think -- and until 1990 gay people were not allowed to enter this country. So I don't think that the political power of gay people today could possibly be seen within that framework, and certainly is analogous -- I think gay people are far weaker than the women were at the time of Frontiero.

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: Well, but you just referred to a sea change in people's understandings and values from 1996, when DOMA was enacted, and I'm just trying to see where that comes from, if not from the political effectiveness of -- of groups on your side of the case.

MS. KAPLAN: To flip the language of the House Report, Mr. Chief Justice, I think it comes from a moral understanding today that gay people are no different, and that gay married couples' relationships are not significantly different from the relationships of straight married people. I don't think -

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: I understand that. I am just trying to see how -- where that that moral understanding came from, if not the political effectiveness of a particular group.

MS. KAPLAN: I -- I think it came -- is, again is very similar to the, what you saw between Bowers and Lawrence. I think it came to a societal understanding.

I don't believe that societal understanding came strictly through political power; and I don't think that gay people today have political power as that -this Court has used that term with -- in connection with the heightened scrutiny analysis.

Source: http://www.supremecourt.gov/oral_arguments/argument_transcripts/12-307_jnt1.pdf

Lona Dallessandro is a wireless and broadband solutions expert who has been working in the Internet technology space since 1995. She is also a biology nerd and wild animal advocate. While she is a VP @ Telespree Communications, a small wireless technology firm based in San Francisco, she is expressing her own opinions here and via @lonaaustin on Twitter.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander?

Self-esteem is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I remember when I was growing up, I was extremely skinny. Now, if someone calls me skinny or thin, my mind rushes back to that skinny kid. I also remember being made fun of for my hair. It has always been really thick and has a wave to it. I was once told that it looked like I was wearing a Donald Trump toupee. Now, when my hair gets to a certain length, I have to immediately have it cut so I don't feel like that kid again.

When a relationship doesn't work out, I feel like that kid again also. I feel like I wasn't good looking enough, wasn't smart enough or wasn't successful enough financially. These self-esteem issues go very deep. They are something that I want to repair and work on but never know where to start. There was a reason these people started dating me but when it's over, I never remember that. How do we remember, we WERE good enough?

We allow so many parts of our past to dictate how we currently feel about ourselves. I allow far too many past experiences dictate how I currently feel about myself. It's not just looks that effect my self-esteem, it's also situations or jobs. In the gay world, it seems like you aren't seen as good enough unless you are well off financially and doing the best at your career. I've definitely not had that success and it's extremely difficult.

This is one of the biggest issues I have with my self-esteem. It has been a hindrance in my previous relationships and continues to be an issue even with friends. I am always very excited when my friends receive promotions but it's also very difficult when each of your closest friends are receiving these fantastic jobs and you are still waiting for your chance.

I have been struggling a lot with my self-esteem the last couple of years because of the job that I used to have, working at a call-center as a customer service person and now, I've been searching for a job for so long in my wanted career field, I've started working as a server and check-in person for a local gym. If any of my friends were to come to me with this issue, I'd tell them that it is a great thing that you are working and no one will look down on you for what you are doing. If someone does look down on you, you don't want them in your life anyway.

For some reason, this isn't good enough for me. The issues that I talk with my friends about are some of the same issues that I have but I just don't think that it is okay for me to be in those situations. I judge myself harder than anyone else ever will. I am truly my own worst enemy. I tell my friends this, "Do as I say, not as I do." This is highly hypocritical and something I struggle with.

I feel that I won't be good enough unless all these things that I have in my mind as "good enough" are fulfilled. I think this is something that we all struggle with. We have this picture in our mind of what "good enough" is and those are sometimes expectations that are totally unrealistic. So, how do we move on from this and overcome?

Spilling all this out does have a reason. I have shared quite a bit of personal demons that I battle with daily. And an fyi, I don't ever watch my YouTube videos after they have been made because I don't want to see them. If I do, I will just judge myself, what I've said and how I look in the video. I still post them because I know that ultimately, it's information that I want to share with others to inform and help.

So, back to the reason for this blog about self-esteem. It is something that we all battle with. No matter who you are looking at, we all have our demons. I believe that we create a positive self-esteem by embracing who we are exactly where we are. I may be almost 30, working as a server and a check-in guy at a gym but I know that one day, I'll be doing more. In the long run, these hard times will pass. I'll look back at this difficult year plus and say, "it was worth it." At least, that is my hope.

I am truly an optimist at heart. It has taken years for me to become one but it is something I love about myself. I have my bad days/months and I've definitely had plenty of them lately. But compared to the years that I'll be on this earth, they are a tiny fraction of the whole package. In order for us all to get to that whole package, we have to work daily on positive affirmations and also keeping people around in our lives that keep us uplifted. If someone is constantly teasing you about how you look or the job you have, throw them out. They will add nothing to your life but grief.

Self-esteem is something that you have to overcome for yourself…obvious statement, right? Wrong. We look to others sometimes to give us our self-esteem. We do things that we think will impress others because we are looking for outer validation instead of making ourselves happy and proud.

I hope this makes sense to someone because the reason for me writing it is to show that even if someone seems like the confident optimistic person all the time, they still have their down days. It's what makes us real. Build your self-esteem because each goose deserves the same as each gander!

My Two Cents on Senator Portman's Change of Heart

The good news of Senator Rob Portman stated that he is now in favor of Marriage Equality. This is amazingly good news for several reasons. He is the first Republican Senator to come out for Marriage Equality. If you sit back and think about it, that's an oddity in itself but good news.

It led me to write this particular blog for some other reasons. He states that he is now for Marriage Equality because his son is gay. I can't imagine what it was like for his son, Will, to tell his very conservative parents that he's gay. Senator Portman is one of the most conservative members of the Republican Party in the Senate so, kudos to you Will Portman for your bravery.

Time to get to the heart of this writing. I take issue with his now change of heart because it is for a personal reason, not because his constituents believe a certain way. He has probably received many letters, calls, and emails asking him to support Marriage Equality but he decided to follow his personal beliefs instead. Now that those personal beliefs have changed, he's changed.

You see the same thing happen with Florida Governor Rick Scott. After he realized that the Affordable Care Act would've assisted his mother in her illness and the multiple bills that were acquired during her illness, he changed his mind. It was for personal reasons that he changed his mind. His constituents probably called, emailed, and wrote letters to ask him to support the Affordable Care Act but he personally didn't go along with it.

The issue I'm trying to make obvious is that we are electing these individuals to vote on our behalf on issues that effect us and other individuals. They are in fact basing their votes on their own personal beliefs instead of their constituents for the most part. Once it effects them on a personal level, then they will change their mind. This is, of course, great news because many people will benefit from their change of heart.

I know that my pipe dream of having elected officials vote on the beliefs of their constituents is exactly that, a pipe dream but one can hope. Now the opposite can also be true. If you live in a very conservative area and the majority of the constituents don't agree with Marriage Equality, then this mindset I have could have a negative impact. Well, negative in my mind.

The point of Marriage Equality isn't a personal one and yet it is. Constitutionally, if you keep some rights from an individual or a minority, you are making that group feel less than. This is ultimately a constitutional issue and one that next week, will hopefully be resolved by the Supreme Court. Marriage Equality and the Affordable Care Act are issues of equality, not personal beliefs. We have to make them personal so that our elected officials know what is right and wrong. Equal access to health care and equal access to Marriage is something that should never be a privilege of a certain group. 

They should be accessible to all, no matter your personal beliefs because there is a certain part of the legal system that has a separation of church and state. Until all people are given Civil Unions, we will be fighting for Marriage Equality. Until all have access to proper health care, we will be fighting for the Affordable Care Act. I personally want Universal Health Care and think the Affordable Care Act doesn't go far enough.

We make equality a personal issue because that is how you change minds, thus Senator Portman's change of heart. This is great news but whether there are personal implications or not, as a legislator, you are required to make sure that all your constituents have all rights. Not just the ones you personally agree with.

Something must be done.

President Obama said WHAT!? And other news!

Ramblings of a Frustrated Gay Man About Jodie Foster and DOMA!

"Maybe I'm A Dreamer..."

I want to start by saying how amazing the youth culture is. I know I'm not old, nor will my heart ever be. The youth of this country and world are the ones that are going to change the way things are. We see this by how my generation is. We have changed the way so many things are done. Because of my generation, we have Facebook, Twitter, different ways to interact with a variety of people.

We've seen the change in the way we keep in touch with friends and family. Almost everyone has an email address and/or a cell phone. I remember when I got my first cell phone my Junior year of High School. Those were some drastic changes that seemed to have happened over-night. A lot of us can't remember how we coped before our cell phones or email. How did we keep in touch with friends that moved or family that was far away?

This drastic and sudden change seems to have taken less than ten years. My point for bringing this up is because the new generation that is in Junior High/High School/College have that same ability to change the social norms that have been around for over 50 years. By changing social norms, I mean changing the way society looks at minorities or change in general.

You'll hear all around that the older generation is the hardest generation to adapt to change. We get caught in our routine and the way that we've always thought. I find myself falling into that trap sometimes. I'll sometimes choose comfort over challenge because it is just easier. Then I realize that we don't become better people and more accepting by just going with comfort all the time. If I didn't face my challenges or go for challenges, I would not be the person I am today. I'm grateful for all those challenges that were put in front of me. Some I conquered and some I just learned from the aftermath.

This youth culture is one that we need to encourage to accept those challenges. We need to show them that we too can change. If we lead by example, that example will be passed down to our youth.

This is on my mind because of many recent events that have happened over the past few years. There are times that we grasp at straws for positive news for the LGBT Community. The "It Gets Better" campaign is one that has helped so many kids. It is one of the proudest things that I've ever been a part of. I don't want the change and help that I'm able to give to stop with a kid watching a video. 

I want to show them that it isn't okay for them to be called names. It isn't okay for people in their government to deny them rights and equality. I want them to know that when they "come out" that they are coming out into a community that accepts them for the challenge they faced and the person that they are. I want them to be accepted without a label.

If we can help them understand that bullying is indeed something that gets better, let's do better. Let's show them by leading by example. We've seen several of the youth in this country rise up and be leaders at such a young age. The work and passion is there. I want the youth culture to be seen as innovators of a community, straight or gay.

As John Lennon says:

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us and the world will be as one."

I know that I'm an optimist and my expectations may be far-reaching but Rome wasn't built in a day. If we can accept the change in technology so quickly, is it impossible to accept a changing positive culture too and impress these values onto the youth?